Semester end news roundup

May 8, 2012

Mid-Century report: May 8, 2051

Here are key headlines as spring semester 2051 draws to a close:

  • Administration has finished its annual redistricting. The former dean of English, mathematics, clone studies, and telepathy is now the dean of forgotten languages, forgotten technologies, forgotten TV shows, and lost car keys.
  • Employees are reminded of mandatory attendance at “duty day” at the end of finals week. All employees must attend two of three events: graduations, an afternoon “ice cream social” with mandatory Karaoke featuring the hits of Katy Perry and Justin Bieber, or a morning keynote address by Galzdispark of the Trevi Galaxy, speaking on “Zi Pyormp ninini Glaxow”
  • The bookstore’s annual Woody Woodduck memorial sale is going on now. 10% off selected VR goggles.
  • Faculty are reminded that grades must be submitted by tachyon to their due date of 10 days ago.
  • Staff are reminded not to begin celebrating the start of summer until the last faculty member has left campus.

Annual robot show to honor our flawless rulers

April 24, 2012

Mid-Century Report: April 24, 2051

The Century College engineering department will once again this month hold its annual Robot Show to honor the flawless and incomparably grand machines that rightfully hold complete authority over all of humanity. The Robot Show will feature guest speakers, interactive breakout sessions, and poster sessions all demonstrating why robots are superior and humans are inferior beings in every way.

Rumors that the Robot Show once featured robots designed to perform tasks so that humans would not have to do them have been declared heretical and erroneous. Robots have always been the perfect entities that they are today, and humans have always served robots.

Attendance at the robot show is mandatory, as with all college events.

English department completes takeover of west campus

March 15, 2012

Mid-Century Report: March 15, 2051

Today the English department completed its decade-long struggle for control of the entire west campus of Century College. Officials from the college confirmed that the English department and its 531 faculty now had complete control of the entire west campus and seemed poised to make inroads on the science/library building as well.

“This is day of celebration, the beginning of a long peace,” an English department spokesperson announced. “Now that we finally have the space we need, we can help the college to start using commas correctly, and we can even restore apostrophes [an ancient mark of punctuation, discontinued in the 2020s] to their proper place.”

The department promised through its spokesperson that the dozen offices on the west campus it would not need for its faculty would be made available to “carefully selected humanities and mathematics instructors” at “very affordable rates.” Additionally, the space previously used as “The Nest” will become the Century College Poetry Museum and Interactive Learning Center.

Surviving social and behavioral scientists promise that the conflict is not over and have vowed to reclaim a portion of the west campus. Experts consider this an unlikely outcome, as they are outnumbered by every other academic department on campus, including the department of reality television studies.

IT Task Force: Our work is done

February 21, 2012

Mid-Century Report: February 21, 2051

With the entire human race now cybernetically modified to be able to communicate directly with all kinds of machines, the IT Task Force at Century College has declared its work complete.

“It has been a productive forty years,” the Task Force chair said in a statement today. “During that time, we have overseen nearly 50,000 IT work tickets, with nearly 8% of them complete. That is certain success, by some definitions.”

The IT department was equally melancholy about ending the long collaboration.

“Nothing can be more useful to getting work done than a task force,” the head of IT said. “We don’t know how we would have gotten on without it.”

Immediately after disbanding the group, the college announced the formation of a cybernetics task force to deal with concerns over slow responses to work tickets in the cybernetics department.

New integrated communication system goes live

February 15, 2012

Mid-Century Report: February 15, 2051

The Century College IT department today announced that its new “fully integrated” communication system is now fully operational, with brainmail, telepathy, virtual reality feeds, and old-fashioned Internet access all joined into one system.

“Now you don’t have to interrupt your VR experience to check your brainmail,” the proud head of IT announced. “You can access your telepathy via your brainmail, or check brainmail on the Internet, for those who still remember how to use it.”

The system produced very positive response from the three employees who were able to use it during the seventy-four seconds before it crashed.

“I liked being able to see all my messages in one place,” one staff member said. “And now that it’s down, no one has any way to reach me!”

IT offered assurances that these “minor bugs” would soon be fixed, and urged those who still had problems after today to attempt to find some kind of paper and send them a note about it.

Woody Woodduck building opens

January 18, 2012

Mid-Century Report: January 18, 2051

Century College today celebrated the grand opening of the new “Woody Woodduck” Center. This is the first new building on campus since the Science/Library building opened in the first part of the century.

The building was originally proposed as space primarily for classrooms and faculty offices, but as the project worked its way through college and state bureaucracies, certain changes were made. The building, officially unveiled today, features offices for all fifty-seven GPS Lifeplan Assistant Directors, as well as a virtual reality theater/gameroom, student lounge, student government headquarters, and private meeting rooms for all sixty-nine recognized student organizations.

“At long last, student services is given a place of their own,” a proud administrator boasted. “Gone are the days when college campuses are thought of as places full of classrooms and faculty offices. This is the new Century!”

The center is named in honor of Woody Woodduck (1999-2049), the college’s fallen mascot.

Legislature blasts Century for success measures

December 12, 2011

Mid-Century Report: December 12, 2050

The Minnesota state legislature today attacked Century College and other MnSCU institutions for “hiding behind false measures” of student success. According to legislatures, Century’s claims of success based on student retention, award completion rates, and transfer rates, are “misleading, meaningless junk.”

The college has long declared itself a leader in “student success,” citing impressive-sounding statistics. According to the college, nearly 98% of its students complete a certificate each month, thanks to the innovative “build-your-own-certificate” program. Additionally, the vast majority of students either transfer to another educational institution or return for additional classes at Century.

Today, lawmakers said they were not impressed.

“Anybody can just give out awards or make students want to come back,” a typical state representative declared. “We want to know if students are really learning the complex disciplines necessary to get by in our, you know, world. It’s outrageous that Century thinks that we care about their retention rate or how many students get one of their ‘welcome to college’ certificates. Nobody cares about that, and nobody ever has. All that matters, and all that will ever matter, is producing highly educated graduates.”

The college, in response, immediately announced twelve new task forces, seven new committees, and fifty-four new initiatives aimed at lowering student retention and increasing student mastery of difficult subjects. “Century has always been concerned only with students mastering difficult material,” the college president said. “We have no other measure of student success.”