Mid-Century Report: December 12, 2050
The Minnesota state legislature today attacked Century College and other MnSCU institutions for “hiding behind false measures” of student success. According to legislatures, Century’s claims of success based on student retention, award completion rates, and transfer rates, are “misleading, meaningless junk.”
The college has long declared itself a leader in “student success,” citing impressive-sounding statistics. According to the college, nearly 98% of its students complete a certificate each month, thanks to the innovative “build-your-own-certificate” program. Additionally, the vast majority of students either transfer to another educational institution or return for additional classes at Century.
Today, lawmakers said they were not impressed.
“Anybody can just give out awards or make students want to come back,” a typical state representative declared. “We want to know if students are really learning the complex disciplines necessary to get by in our, you know, world. It’s outrageous that Century thinks that we care about their retention rate or how many students get one of their ‘welcome to college’ certificates. Nobody cares about that, and nobody ever has. All that matters, and all that will ever matter, is producing highly educated graduates.”
The college, in response, immediately announced twelve new task forces, seven new committees, and fifty-four new initiatives aimed at lowering student retention and increasing student mastery of difficult subjects. “Century has always been concerned only with students mastering difficult material,” the college president said. “We have no other measure of student success.”
The Centuryon 