Faculty: Students can’t write anymore

Mid-Century Report: September 21, 2050

Faculty members at Century College agree: college students can no longer write as well as they used to.

“I assigned a simple hyperspace analysis paper,” a typical faculty member from the Interstellar Studies department said, “and I was shocked at the poor results. No one understands real-time intuitive source linking, and a lot of them can’t even make a 3d cover properly.”

Across the college, faculty agree that student writing shows how completely the intelligence of humans has diminished over time. “My student’s paper on telepathic ethics and the evolution of hiveminds was full of comma errors,” an anonymous faculty member said. “I don’t understand it.”

The English department seems powerless to correct the problem, despite offering a sequence of fifteen developmental writing classes and a full 2-credit course of college composition. “We keep giving them lectures about passive voice and split infinitives,” the department chair explained, “but nothing seems to help.”

Book orders due for Fall 2055

Mid-Century Report: September 9, 2050

The Century College bookstore reminded faculty that book orders for the fall semester of 2055, in accordance with the new state law passed last year.

The law, titled “Citizen’s Guaranteed Affordable Education, Tax Reduction, and Puppies for Everbody Act of 2050,” requires faculty members to notify bookstores of their book selections at least five years in advance of teaching a course. “Parents have a right to know exactly what books their children will be studying in the not-to-distant future,” the bill’s primary sponsor said. “In this age of tachyon communication and experimental time travel, it is not too much to ask that those who are teaching, or will be teaching, at a college use these expensive means to determine far ahead of time what books they will assign half a decade from now.”

While everyone agrees that today’s eighth graders are well served by knowing what books will be required in courses they might take as college freshmen, not all faculty find the law easy to comply with.

“I mean, come on,” the chair of the laser warfare department said, “we’re only just now finalizing the teaching schedules for 2053. The draft of fall 2055 isn’t due for another two weeks! And now my faculty are supposed to be picking books already?”

The demand proves especially difficult for faculty who discover they will be changing credentialed fields or retiring altogether. Yet the biggest challenge comes for those who are not yet teaching, such as an anonymous Clone Studies student who recently got a harshly worded brainmail demanding an immediate book order. “Apparently I’ll be an adjunct in five years,” she observed. “But I’m just taking my first class now, so, I’m not really sure how to pick a book.”

Still, the law’s requirements are clear, and the benefits to those who might eventually take classes from the college are obviously more important than any other work faculty might be engaged in for their present students.

Parking “best ever”

Mid-Century Report: August 24, 2050

Century College officials today confirmed that the new academic year has gotten off to a great start, with parking at the school the “best it’s ever been.”

According to campus security, nearly 10% of students and employees have been able to park their hovercars in an official parking space on campus. The remainder are still forced to find more creative solutions.

“This year only five hovercars were illegally parked on the lake,” a college spokesperson announced, “and three of those sank when they ran low on power, so that problem got solved.”

The Department of Parking Studies issued a report yesterday saying that the last legal parking spot on campus was claimed on Sunday afternoon at 3:04 p.m., nearly 17 hours before the start of the first class on Monday morning. “This is a dramatic improvement over five years ago, when the last space was taken on the 4th of july,” the report notes.

Still, the college allows that some improvement might be possible. It continues to seek funding for its proposed General Mills Target 3M Minnesota Twins parking structure. As a last resort, administrators suggested that students might explore the possibility of public transportation, as there is still one weekly route connecting the college with downtown St. Paul.

Duty Weeks Conclude

Mid-Century Report: August 17, 2050

Today marked the unofficial end of “duty weeks” at Century College. This three-week period of “crucial” professional training is an annual event at the college. The event began on July 25, 2050, with the secretary of the assistant to the vice-president of professional development giving an opening address welcoming employees back to work. The president of the college was not available to attend but greeted workers via a pre-recorded message.

After this joyful welcome, the three weeks passed quickly, with promotional virtual reality movies for various work areas such as radiation compliance and the office for mutated students; motivational, keynote, and inspirational speakers;  breakout sessions on a wide range of topics; and various mandatory morale-building events.

Attendance at the events is mandatory for faculty and most staff. Only faculty members with 25 years of service at the college can have accumulated enough personal and sick time to miss more than half of the “duty weeks” events.

“When we increased the number of duty days to more than the number of allowed personal days, that was a breakthrough,” a spokesperson for the college said. “Now we can go back to school with full confidence that every employee has been compelled to be involved in at least one sing-along, dance, trust-building exercise, or awkward conversation on a topic they know nothing about.”

“Duty weeks” technically continue through Friday, although only faculty and staff in particular areas are required to attend the remaining sessions on blood-borne mutagenics.

The Mid-Century Report

In conjunction with the department of Tachyon Narrowcasting Technologies (est. 2047), the Centuryon is proud to present “The Mid-Century Report,” an award-winning* series of articles detailing events at Century College during the 2050-2051 academic year.

These articles are presented in their entirety, representing the news from the middle of the 21st century as it will be reported at that time.

The department of temporal philosophy is unable to determine whether these reports represent “the” future, “a” possible future, “several” possible futures, or “something else.” Nevertheless, the Centuryon is happy to present these exclusive reports with full confidence that they are every bit as reliable as all the news reported here.

Enjoy your look into the wonders of the future!

* According to the department of Tachyon Narrowcasting Technologies, this series will win an “Ahead of Its Time” journlism award in 2039.

2010-2011 Academic Year in Review

These are the highlights of the 2010-2011 academic year that we can still remember or have made up:

August

• College decides to help students succeed for a while, see how that goes.
• Students given $500 worth of printing per semester on lone functional printer on east campus.
• Parking lot proves to be short of need by approximately 3500 spaces.
• Someone says “…and Windows 7 was my idea” on campus, immediately chased along Woodduck Trail and fed to woodducks.
• Total snowfall: 0 inches
• Snow days: 0

September

• 5 students are scanned in to Student Success Day; other 2500 say they “lost” their IDs.
• IT proves that it is possible for a single event to completely disable email, Internet and phone service on both campuses, proving optimists wrong once again.
• Foundation announces campaign to rename its campaign to raise support for the organization of its annual campaign to recruit volunteers for the giving campaign.
• Total snowfall: 0 inches
• Snow days: 0

October

• After five faculty get lost in Woodbury looking for the “new campus,” hazing is officially forbidden.
• DNR announces impeding opening of “Woody Woodduck” season to massive applause.
• Total snowfall: 2 inches
• Snow days: 0

November

• Century president Larry Litecky completes cost-benefit analysis of continuing job, finds it’s not even close.
• Student discovers Internet a potential source of information for papers(!)
• Total snowfall: 15 inches
• Snow days: 0

December

• Faculty members lecture students about importance of turning work on time, go back to offices, ignore fifth straight email from admin about overdue action plans.
• IT task force, after months of debate, agrees that there is no legally sound way to blame Bill Gates personally.
• Total snowfall: 78 inches
• Snow days: 0

January

• FOX announces new reality show, “Who wants to be a college president?”
• HVAC program completes tenth annual heating practical joke, leaving two adjacent offices 42 degrees apart.
• Total snowfall: 59 inches
• Snow days: 0

February

• Classes cancelled for month-long employee development activities.
• Presidential search hits a snag when Trump and Oprah both pull out of the running.
• Two words strike fear into the campus community: The Locomotion
• Total snowfall: 104 inches
• Snow days: 0

March

• Everyone too cold to come up with jokes about “spring” break.
• Total snowfall: 5,217 inches
• Total sleetfall: 17 inches
• Snow/sleet days: 0

April

• Science faculty officially declare themselves “sick to death” of explaining that “global warming” does not mean it gets warmer in every place on earth on every single day.
• Larry Litecky wakes up one morning and suddenly thinks “What the hell have I done?”
• Online students expected to take online survey, or possibly required to, unless they’re not, or something–the staff of the Centuryon stopped reading these emails a long time ago.
• Ron Anderson wakes up one morning and suddenly thinks “What the hell have I done?”
• Total snowfall: 13 inches
• Snow days: 0

May

• Vegas gives 50-50 odds on final class day’s temperature being higher than Century’s completion rate.
• Total snowfall: 10 inches*
• Snow days: 0

*projections

Coming August 2011: The Mid-Century Report, only at centuryon.wordpress.com

Campus Conference celebrates theme of “Snow Day”

The Century College Campus Conference was held today, celebrating the many aspects of the theme of “Snow Day!” Students, staff, and faculty were invited to grow personally and academically by staying at home in bed without missing any classes.

Among the most popular breakout sessions:

• “I think I’ll just go back to sleep”
• “Maybe some hot chocolate this morning”
• “It’s a good thing I don’t have class”
• “NO! It’s freakin’ April!”

The day closed with an ice cream social that featured authentic, freshly prepared snow cones.

Chancellor to offer presidency to Centuryon

The Centuryon has learned from highly placed sources in the MnSCU Chancellor’s office that the position of president at Century College will be offered to the Centuryon.

“We should give it [the position] to the Centuryon,” the chancellor is reported to have said. “He, she, it, or they sure know what is best for the college.”

This observation merely reflects long-held opinions of various employees at the college, who are frequently overheard to make observations like, “Let’s see this ‘centuryon’ run things, if they know so much.”

The Centuryon is pleased at this overdue recognition and thanks the chancellor for the consideration. However, we must reluctantly decline the offer, as the demands of fabricating news stories every three to four weeks demands all of our time. However, as a compromise gesture, we are willing to accept the presidential salary as compensation for our faithful work here.

Somehow, the college will go on, under the leadership of whoever the second choice turns out to be.

Classes today actually elaborate trick question

Today’s winter storm and difficult driving conditions were actually arranged as part of an elaborate test of critical thinking skills by the Century College general education assessment committee, the college announced today. The committee arranged for the Twin Cities area to be blanketed by sleet, ice, and snow in order to create difficult and potentially dangerous driving conditions as a test of whether Century students were learning to think critically.

The results were a disastrous failure.

“If you look out the window at half an inch of sleet with a couple of inches of snow on top of it, and more coming,” a committee member explained, “and you decide to drive across the Twin Cities in those conditions just to get to a day of classes, especially with only half your windshield cleared of snow, you obviously aren’t thinking critically.”

Yet many students came to class. Worse, staff, faculty, and even administrators braved the elements to reach the college.

“I don’t know what that proves, but it’s not that we’re smart,” an anonymous administrator said.

The committee has asked that all students who came to class today be immediately placed on academic probation and is considering a mandatory class for freshmen entitled “When is it safe to drive?” Further, the committee is asking all institutions that granted advanced degrees to faculty members who showed up today to reconsider those awards.

“They’re just punishing us for being committed to our jobs,” one faculty member complained while waiting for a tow truck. “This isn’t about critical thinking: it’s just that I have class on Wednesdays.”

Next week the committee plans to have the cafeteria begin routinely short-changing patrons to test basic math skills.

Employees Develop

At the annual “Jimmy’s Day” event today in Shoreview, Minnesota, employees of Century College developed.

The development in question was in accordance with the college’s plan.

“We are pleased to announce that today employees developed,” a college spokesperson said.

An anonymous administrator agreed. “I have never seen such development.”

Faculty are expected to continue to develop tomorrow at an unrelated event in Minneapolis. Further staff development is not expected at this time.

“If you come to the college on Monday, you will see some developed people,” an appreciative employee commented. “I like developing!”

Other duty day headlines:

• Century to Achieve the Bridge to a Dream of Success
• Inspirational speakers somehow depressing
• Police vow to locate missing “display copy” cookbook
• Employee unions demand that future performance reviews be done in a spirit of “appreciative inquiry”
• Following “Locomotion” performance, 15 hospitalized with embarrassment-related conditions